Nagtaxi na lang kami. Matapos ang aming umano'y hiking sa campus ng tinaguriang State Universary, di na nakayanan ng aming lakas ang ipagpatuloy pa ang laban patungo sa sakayan ng jeep, kung nasan man un.

   Panuwi na kami kanina galing sa UP College of MassCom. Nagparticipate kasi kami sa parang presentation ng mga case studies ng kanilang mga communication research people. Ayos nga eh, ganda ng mga topics. At first, kala ko di kami makakarelate sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, kasi parang anlalim. 

me-ann: mukang ang bata natin kesa sa mga tao rito ah...
ako: onga eh, parang ang mature na ng mga tao.
me-ann: oo nga.
me-ann at ako: ahihihihihahaha....

No me-ann, hindi pala tayo bata compared sa kanila. Mga muka lang talaga tayong bata- babyface! 

   Syempre di naman ako magpapa-iwan noh, kaya cnubukan kong intindihin ung mga speaker. Kaso lang, nagkaroon ng ilang distractions. Pero nung part two, mas masaya na. Maluwang, konti na lang kasi tao, pati nga kami konti na lang eh. Mas naintindihan ko na ang mga presentation kahit na nag-iingay at nagtatawanan pa kaming apat sa likod! Na-excite nga ako eh, I felt like I'm on a questioning spree kaso isa lang ung natanong ko eh. Wala na raw kasing time. hmp! Amfness!!

 Sabi pa ni Nico ay 74 ekas. I agree, negatib! Kilo kasi sa uste. That event gave me an assache.

ako: game jogging!
meng: panu akong magjojoging?? naka-hills ako!

nico: tingnan natin kung panalo rin si oble!
ako: ganito ung tunog nun oh: *ting* *ting* *ting* 
raynette: (nagtanong tungkol sa isang bagay na di pa raw niya nakikita, fruity este fruitfull ang conversation nila ni nico)

WOW, may jeep papuntang sm north, kaso puno cla eh.
 

meng: me-ann pwede ka pala rito eh, may jeep papuntang sm!
ako: tara lakarin natin ung sakayan!  
meng: dun nanggagaling oh! (tuturo somewhere)

   May jeep na dumaan, kaso pantranco. May isang malaking grupo ng mga estudyante ang lumapit sa kanila, at dun namin nalaman na sa sm din pala sila pupunta. Naku may kakompetensya kami, kaya inunahan na namin sila habang kausap pa nila ung driver ng jeep.

ako: so, sm din pala sila, mukang magiging puno ang jeep na masasakyan natin ah.
nico: unahan mo na, dali.

   Nasa may tennis court na kami, nasan ba talaga ung sakayan? "baka andun," sabi ko, sabay turo somewhere nang biglang may pumarang UP ikot sa tapat ko, kala niya kasi pinapara ko cya. Sige lang, sundan kung san nanggagaling ung mga jeep. Ayun ulit ung UP Theatre- e diba nadaanan na namin un kanina?! Uy, post office nato ah, aun ung coop oh!

"Ayun sm north!"

"Puno eh.."

"Lakad pa.."

   Maraming beses na paulit-ulit sinabi yang mga linyang yan kanina. Hanggang sa tumambay na lang kami sa isang shed at tinanong ni nico ang isang mama.

nico: may dumadaan po ba ritong sm north na jeep?
mama: oo meron, maghintay na lang kayo jan.
ako: saan po ba ung sakayan?
mama: dun pa.

   Nagturo cya at di ko naman nakita ang kung nasan ung tinuturo niya. Kaya malamang sa dulo pa un ng walang hanggan.

ako: ano lakarin pa natin?
sila: wag na!

   Kinontra na nila akong lahat. ok... Onga naman, what was I thinking?!?! May dumaan jeep e kaso puno pa rin e....

   Edi aun, sa taxi kami nauwi. Pag sakay namin ay nakita pa namin ang mga ka-kompetensya naming estudyante. Belat, nakasakay na kami! Magtaxi na rin kayo! Ang mahal naming si meng ang nagbayad ng aming taxi. Kaya nalibre pa ang pamasahe papuntang sm. Kaso lang nung pauwi nako, nakita ko ang pila ng mga taxi na walang tao. nakaabang lang silang lahat sa pasahero. Naakit ako, bigla akong nakaramdam ng pagod! Kaya aun, malaki rin ang nagastos ko! wahahaha!

In a sharky shark world, in a sharky shark country, in a sharky shark ocean, in a sharky shark clan, there lived a shark family. And their song goes like this...

baby shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
         shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
         shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup, baby shark!         

mama shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
           shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
           shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup, mama shark!

papa shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
         shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
         shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup, papa shark! 

grandma shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
               shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
               shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup, grandma shark!

grandpa shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
              shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup
              shark tooth, tsup tsup tsup, grandpa shark!

They were singing and swimming and dancing and then, they died. 

-The End-

   Ayan, ok nako. There's nothing like a nice, refreshing shower after taking one and then six consecutive shots of brandy and four bottles of beer. Gusto ko pa sana ng isa pang bote, kaso I did my best to stop me.-mahirap na.- Now I know why people drink. You get the feeling of tranquility that you subconsciously seek. No burdens, no load. Di ko inaakalang ganon pala un!

   All these years that I've been drinking, ngayon ko lang TALAGANG na-enjoy ang beer! Dati, I just appreciate it. Ngayon, nabibitin nako sa kanya!-

What am I saying?! Nagiging tanggero na ba ako?!

   You feel the strong urge to fully express yourself, almost without hestation. Ang sarap ng feeling, like helium escaping out of a bursting balloon. With a loud "Bang!", malaya ka nang gumalaw kahit saan. You finally get the psychological strength that can nearly break those chains that keep you on the grounds of being labled as a rational being. I was a feather, being blown away and not anticipating where to land. To hell with being conscious on your actions! To hell with manners!

   Talaga bang ok nako? Tamo nga tong mga pinagsasasabi ko! Ako ba talaga yan?!?!?! Thank God that my sanity, although weakened, still won over my spirit. Buti na lang at di nagtampo sa akin ang katinuan. Naiwan siya para bantayan ako. Kahit na kating-kati na ang mga kamay ko na kumuha pa ng isa pang bote ng SanMig Light, it was the thought of being drunk and going to have to commute home that lured me away mula dun sa timba na may mga beer! Oha, Nakakapag-isip pa rin ako!- Kaso may nakalusot, nakita ko ang bote ni Reverie at nakilagok ako sa kanya. Katabi nun, may boteng paubos na ung laman, nung tinanong ko kung kanino, di raw nila alam. Edi tinungga ko na! Wahahahaha!!! Talaga nga naman oh!

   Gee, wag naman sana akong mawilly after this! Vodka pa rin!!! Alchopops!! Kelangan ung mga mahal na alak ang magustuhan mo para bihira ka lang makabili!!

   The bee flys away from the hive. Another adventure awaits him. Toward the garden he flew in search of something sweet to take home. The bee is quite used to this, everyday he would come out from the safety of his comfort zone and travel for meters and meters doing the same thing.

   The butterflies and flowers are his friends. They have mutuality in one another.  He gets to see them everyday. He greets them, tell them stories and laugh around but not neglecting their individual responsibilities. He is happy and contented with this life, he thinks he needs nothing more.

   Then a new neighbor arrives. She calls herself the pitcher. Her arrival doesn't seem to bother the bee at all. As a matter of fact, the bee just goes on to his pleasant life after acknowledging the arrival of the pitcher, with a smile, of course. Then the pitcher starts to get around the bee. She says sweet things to him. Of course, the bee likes sweet. She tells him words he never thought he could ever hear being said to him, like the sweetest nectar he once longed for.- He remembers before how a beautiful young daffodil would always refuse to give him that nectar and drive him away like some sort of pest. It's been long before the bee is able to taste sweet again.- The bee's head is then turned. Maybe he should try her nectar. 

   The butterflies and flowers are not too sure whether they want their good friend to have a taste of what the pitcher has to give. They fear that the nectar he is looking for is not there, that it might be a trap. They warn him to be careful, not to forget his sting and make sure he is really ready to approach the new comer. They are being good friends.

   But the bee has gone mad, mesmerized by the anticipation of that precious nectar where her sweet words are coming from. He thinks he already knows what he is doing and that his friends need not worry about him. He then landed on the pitcher. he excitedly scans her, checking out where he might find that nectar. But as he does this, the pitcher grabs and sucks his whole being inside her. With a shock he struggles to free himself, he gathers strength and pulls out but is unsuccessfu. The pitcher is too powerful and will do anything to keep him attached to her. Inside the pitcher, he could see nothing but empty space, no nectar at all.

   They are right all along. To suspect that the pitcher may not make him happy after all. But the bee is stupid enough to not consider such a huge consquence. The memory of the daffodil is poison of the sneakiest kind. It still managed to leave a bitter taste on the bee,- make him long for the nectar that he once paid greatly but didn't attain - then attacking just when the he thinks fate is finally in favor of him and return his lost.

   Even with such a struggle, everything that the bee is feeling is lonliness, hatred of self and insecurity. He had destroyed himself. He is ashamed to show himself to his friends. Somehow he is feeling distant now that he has put scars on his face. Does he still deserve to be liked by them after this incident? These thoughts mock the bee as he continues to breathe within the pitchers clutch.

   It can be better than this. The fire in the lamp is not in its maximum. I know that it is possible to still make that fire more intense, make the light shine brighter so that it can easily be seen on that dark, dark surface. I know how to do it.

Sequence:

Only you
have the power within you
Just believe in yourself and the sea will part before you.
Stop the rain and turn the tide
If only you
use the power within you,
needn't beg the world to turn around and help you,
when you draw on what you have within you,
somewhere deep inside.
I am the starlight.
I can acheive anything,
all those things I didn't believe.
I am the starlight
I can see it through.
Needn't beg the world to turn around and help you
when you draw on what is deep inside.

- Rusty and the Starlight    

   "Ah, may ipis!" ang sigaw ni Meng. Nasa loob kami ng computer lab kanina, nang bigla siyang napatili dahil sa nakita niya. Na-damage pa nga ang kanyang kamay dahil sa masaklap na karanasang ito.- Pano nangyari un? Alamin mo na lang. hahaha- Sa likod ng kanyang pagtili ay nakarining ako ng nagsabi na "Gumagalaw-galaw pa oh!". Lumingon ako at nakitang may sinisipa silang nakahigang ipis mula sa ilalim ng computer table. Buhay pa nga. Tinitikwas-tikwas pa nga nito ang anim niyang mga paa. Di ko malaman kung naghihingalo na o, nagsusumikap lang itong makatayo. Un ang una't huling beses na nasinagan ko ang ipis na ito. Anuman ang naging kapalaran niya ay di ko na inalam.

   Di iyon ang unang pagkakataon na inipis kami ngayong araw na ito. Kabubukas pa lamang ng buliding nang pumasok ako sa classroom at nakita si Raynette at Pacific. Pareho silang nakaupo sa pinakaharap na mga upuan sa may tabi ng pinto. "May ipis dun sa likod eh" sabi ni Raynette. Di na ako nag-abala pa na tingnan. Dumami na ang mga tao habang ginagaya ko ang itsura ni Sheena nung nakita ko cya sa tv habang nanonood ng basketball sa Araneta nang biglang may mga pinagsasabi na lang ang mga tao na may ipis nga na nagpapaikot-ikot sa classroom.   

   Sa tapat ng pintuan ng banyo ng lalaki, as usual, nananalamin si Nico. Nang cya ay lumingon sa bintana, sinabi niyang "Dude, ipis oh!" habang nakahawak sa patilya. At dun ko na nakita. Naroon siya, nananahimik sa isang sulok sa salamin ng bintana, isang ipis na albino. Saksakan ito nang puti na ni sikat ng araw ay di ito magawang sunugin. "Bakit ba napaka-maipis ng araw na to?!" sabi ko. Makalipas ang huling period ay muli kaming nagbalik doon at muli cyang napancn ni nico, pagkakita ko ay tila bangkay na lamang ito. Andun lang, walang kibo. Titignan ko sana kung bka pipi na ang katawan nito kaso lang ay naantala ako ng isang mabantot na amoy. Saan nanggaling? Maraming possibleng salarin.

It's one of those moments when I really wish I had my my old me. When I begin to complain about my weaknesses and imperfections- when my heart compresses as it is being clutched by the hand of failure, blowing out heat that infects my spirit, as it crawls up my head and down to the tips of my fingers, bubbles up the acid in my belly, locking my feet, leaving me immobile. They say that heat is lighter than cold, but why do I feel so hot and yet so heavy?- When I close windows to reality, scold at me, pushing the idea that deep inside is someone that i'm suppose to be and outside is someone that I choose to be. The goal is, to make those two meet, to become one someone.

I can see the way, There is door beyond it. All I need to do is walk there and open it. I know it's unlocked, it's not that hard. I know I can make it there. But I couldn't seem to bring myself to it. There's too much weight. But all I need to do is to push myself up to stand then the hard part is over. I know I can make it there. Still, I choose to be pinned down, expecting the wind to take me to my door.

 Again I'm searching for the power to focus. Why did I lose it? Or did it purposely flee from my senses? Am I not worthy? Sometimes I envy horse who has his eye pads to keep his sight straight. Absurd, I know. But if it is needed to acquire the discipline I clamor, I'd don't really mind being quite absurd. Maybe it's my lost of focus that made me think like that. 

Being idealistic is a good thing. In fact, in times like this, we need those kind of people because they have the power to inspire and mobilize many. However, when do we say that idealism is already on its limit? Is it when there is disillusionment? Is bitterness a part of it? 

I've always wanted to grow as a very idealistic person. To be coated by beliefs and values that hold my life. They say it's leadership that I possess. So I exposed myself to people that I claimed to be like-leaders. It was fun being with them, I got to share my own beliefs and learn new ones from them. I got to pretend that I am an intellectual person because of my stunning words(kuno).- After all, that's what I'm good at, I talk my way out things then leave a good mark that people would remember. Some talent huh?, but that's another issue.-

But I was betrayed. Betrayed by my own beliefs and idealisms. It covered the color of smoke and fooled me to breathing it, killing me while I was unaware. Can anything be more torturing than to have the ablity to inhale but not breathe because of the absence of oxygen?

I realized that idealism alone cannot help one survive. Sometimes it is a matter of determining what to do next. They say that idealism is the light that shows and leads our life. But they failed to understand that even light, if it shined too brightly, can be blinding as well. One could get tripped on a rock along the way because of this blindess, or worse, one could get even lost, misguided by wrong decisions- away from reality.

These words are said not because I am disillusioned nor because I am bitter. I too still have my ideals and aspirations. All I'm saying is to get real. Have a finger with witch to touch concrete things or to pinch oneself for to wake up from a dream one could never let go. Choose to be a winner. 

   Isa sa mga paborito kong anime noon ang Samurai X. Pinakita rito ang buhay ng mga Hapon noong unang panahon. Binase ang kuwento nito noong panahon ng Tokugawa at ng Meiji, ang pagdating ng mga kanluranin at pati na rin iyong pagpapahirap sa mga Christians.Tuwang-tuwa ako sa tuwing poporma na si Kenshin ng para sa kanyang hiten mitsurugi style na may sari-saring sub-styles, at ang lahat ng un, ay may pangalan na naghahambing sa isang dragon. Nagkaroon pa nga ng siyam na ulo ung dragon masabi lang na dragon pa rin ung isa niyang teknik eh. Meron rin itong pang long range, ung tipong itutusok niya muna ung espada niya sa lupa tapos bigla na lang magtatalunan ung alikabok papunta sa kalaban at ung kalaban bigla na lang tatalsik! Akalain mo un, nagagawa niyang manalo gamit ang alikabok! Lupet talaga! Pero wala pa ring tatalo sa teknik na ginamit niya noong pangalawang saga, ung hiremeki. Di ko nga lang alam kung anung klaseng dragon toh, pero astig pa rin! Malakas nga lang mambitin. Kasi naman, sa tuwing gagamitin niya ito ay bigla na lang mag-iitim ung screen ng tv namin tapos may isang tuldok ng liwanag na magpapaikot-ikot sa loob ng dalawang segundo. At pag pinakita na ulit sila ay magkatalikod na sila ng kalaban niya na punit na ang damit at ung balat niya sa dibdib ay may malaki nang baon ng espada. Take note, baon lang at hindi hiwa. Pudpod kasi ung harap ng espada niya eh.

Ang totoo niyan ay intro ko lang ang naunang paragrap. Sori ah, mejo nasabik lang kasi ako. Tungkol kasi rito ang lesson namin sa asian civ. Hindi Samurai X ah, kundi sa kasaysayan ng Japan. Ito nga lang halos ang pinagtuunan ko ng pansin noong weekend para sa prelims kanina.

Alas nuebe pa lang ay nasa skul nako. Inagahan namin para makapagpasticker kami ng kotse. Eh ambilis lang pala nun! Wala pa atang dalawang minuto ay tapos na ang aming ipinunta roon nang maaga. Di ko tuloy alam kung anung gagawin ko para palipasin ang dalawang oras.

9:05: Naisipan kong pumunta dun sa tindahan ng school supplies sa may asturias. Ang init. Naalala ko na naman ung isa sa mga kalaban ni Kenshin, ung sunog sa samurai na mukang takas sa pyramid. Tinawid ko ang Dapitan. Namimiss ko announcer/trapik enforcer na guard dun. Ang hirap palang tumawid pag wala cya. Nakarating ako sa tindahan nang isang beses lang nagpupunas ng pawis. (Paalala: kailangan ay hindi lang pamasahe ang barya mo. Dapat sa lahat ng oras may mga maliliit kang halaga sa pitaka mo.) Buo ang perang pinambayad ko kaso lang ay wala raw silang barya. Kaya sabi ko ay babalik na lang ako.

9:10: Sige, magpapaload na lang ako para magkabarya. dalawang araw na rin akong ndi makapag-txt. Nung magpapaload nako, sinabi ng tindera na ndi pa raw siyang panload. Hmp, malas naman! Nagpunas ulit ako ng pawis. Pumasok na lang ako sa ministop para bumili ng C2. Nung ako'y magbabayad na, wala rin silang barya! Nawalay ako sa C2ng mejo nasabik na rin akong inumin.

9:12: Pambihira naman, para na rin akong walang pera sa lagay kong ito! Tumawid ulit ako sa Dapitan papasok ng UST. Nagsisimula nang tumagaktak ang pawis ko. Di ko na naman malaman ang gagawin ko. Habang nililibot ko ang campus.

9:20: Bibili na lang ako ng pagkain sa mcdo. Siguro naman may barya sila noh. Muntik nakong mawalan ng pag-asa nung hingan ako ng mas maliit na barya nung babae sa counter. Buti na lang nung sinabi kong wala akong smaller bill ay nagawa naman niya akong suklian.

9:23: Sa wakas may barya nako! Mababayaran ko na ung correction pen na iniwan ko. Pero teka, kakain muna ako.

9:35: Nabili ko na ang kailangan kong bilhin at tumatagaktak na ang pawis sa akin. Matapos ang ilang punas ay naisipan kong pumunta muna sa library para sa mga last minute scan ng mga notes ko.

sa oras ng exam: Walang kwenta! nahirapan pa rin ako! Andami naman kasing pangalan ng mga hapon na yan! Kung hapon lang din ang usapan. sana nagtest na lang tungkol sa Samurai X! Malay ko ba kung anung itsura niyang Ieyasu Tokugawa. Malay ko ba kung anung kalseng tao si Oda Nobunaga at siya madalas ang kontra bida sa iba pang mga anime. At least si Kenshin di ko magagawang limutin ang pilat niya sa mukha, at kilalang- kilala ko siya. Sana pala ung totoong nangyari na lang sa history ang ginawang anime... hehehe...

Parang nagka-stiff neck nga ata ako . Para maiwasan toh, sumulyap-sulyap na lang ako sa wall clock sa likod ng classroom para ma-stretch ang muscles ng leeg ko. Nakikita nga raw ako ni Me-ann eh. Ansakit, nakakangawit hanggang ngayon.

Umalis kami sa skul na pinagtatawanan ang aming mga sarili, sa kadahilanang ganun talaga kami. Kasama na rito ang mga kalokohang kwento at hirit ni Nico na ndi matapos-tapos pati sa pagkain namin sa sm; at siyempre, ang love story ni Meng na mukang nasa ending na ata. Umuwi kaming lahat tulad ng dati, sa kaalamang bukas ay may panibagong araw na naman.  Parang ung paglalakbay ni Kenshin patungong Edo: Umalis siya; kung saan-saan napadpad;- tiyak tumagaktak din ang pawis nun!- kumalaban at nilampasan ang iba't-ibang alagad bago harapin ang tunay na kalaban at sa huli ay nakauwi rin siya na dugo naman ang tumatagaktak pero nakangiti pa rin. Nakakamiss din pala ang Samurai X. 

  i've lost my focus. Often times i wonder why I am like this. Often times my mind would fly out of the window and be somewhere else. This affects my memory. I find it hard to remember even the simpliest of things kasi nga ndi ko iniintindi ung mga bagay sa paligid ko. Maybe that's one reason why i've decided to revive my blog. With entries that needed to be updated frequently, surely this can help my mind think straight.

A wide range of sight can leave you blind. Yes, it can. They say it's a skill to have your mind think of different things at the same time. Siguro nga tama sila. But there are too much pre-requisites that go with it. If you're not ready, you'll find yourself having so much to see that you can no longer figure out which is which. As a result, your mind registers nothing, you learn nothing, you see nothing.

I am locked in a dungeon the size of a cubicle. I seek space. I wish to get out. This dungeon no matter how small, is full of little doors and windows. I try opening one. It's locked. I open another. I am starting to smile when I manage to push it only to realize that it can only put a gap a couple of inches wide. A thin line of light enters. Maybe something is blocking it from the outside. So, I open another. And another. And another. They are all just the same. My cell becomes bright. It is filled with the strands of light that come from those doors that i tried to open. I attempt fit myself into the gaps. It is a failure. Too many options but no right one. Too many openings but none are wide enough. My hopes shatter and are swept away. Is there no way of being free? Where is the space that I long for?  I lean against the wall and sigh.